How to Deal with Separation Anxiety in Babies & Toddlers

There are different types of anxiety that can impact your baby and toddler. Separation Anxiety is one of the more common presentations we see clinically.  

In this blog we’ll discuss the common behaviour and symptoms of separation anxiety and then what differentiates normal separation symptoms from separation anxiety disorder which impacts around 4% of kids; my top tips for separating with success and some helpful phrases …and a few to avoid.  We’ll also discuss the importance of working closely with educators and other carers with these strategies and when it might be time to seek some extra help.

What are the common signs and symptoms of separation anxiety?

The most common symptom is physically clinging to a parent or carer as you leave the house or drop them somewhere like kinder, school or childcare; or as a parent tries to leave the house.

Your child might also:

• Become agitated or upset at separation, this can be very intense distress 
• Cry or tantrum when a parent leaves 
• Refuse to get out of cars or walk through doors 
• Refuse to do everyday tasks such as eating breakfast or getting dressed as they know it’s one step closer to leaving

In some children intense and ongoing symptoms can be a sign of a more serious condition known as separation anxiety disorder.

 

What’s the difference between regular separation feelings and separation anxiety disorder?

• The extended duration of the symptoms, often for longer than 4 weeks  
• The intensity of the symptoms compared to other children the same age
• Interferes with your child’s life and your family life
• Refuse to go to childcare, kinder or school 
• If a child feels excessive fear or worry about being separated from their caregiver 
• There is also an element of worry about being lost from their family, 
• Constant worry about something bad happening to their caregiver. 
• Repeated nightmares about separation 
• Repeated complaints of headaches, stomachaches or other symptoms during separation 

Separation anxiety disorder is estimated to impact about 4% of children so while it’s common, it’s not as wide spread as some parents might imagine – in a class of 25 there’s likely one child who suffers from the disorder.

Causes or triggers of separation anxiety disorder in children:

Separation anxiety can sometimes be triggered by a stressful life event for a child e.g. divorce of parents, moving house, changing schools or childcare, or even the death of a loved one. Genetics can play a role in separation anxiety becoming separation anxiety disorder if one or both parents suffer from an anxiety disorder your child will be at higher risk.

What about separation anxiety in babies?

Separation anxiety in smaller babies is often associated with the primary carer, particularly the breastfeeding mother, and is more around basic needs and comfort and less around the feeling of loss and separation.

Some time between 4 to 7 months, young babies develop a generally sense of ‘object permanence’. Object permanence is when your baby discovers people and objects exist – even when they can’t see them. 

This can lead to situations that if they can’t see you they think you have disappeared – they don’t have a concept of time and don’t understand when we say we’ll “be right back”.  

Many parents will be familiar with this scene:

E.g. Mum walks into the kitchen to make a cup of tea, baby is in the lounge room just out of eye shot – the baby will grizzle and cry until mum is back in the lounge room.

E.g. It’s also why they find peekaboo so entertaining – when you disappear behind a blanket or door and then pop straight out again, they genuinely think you’re a magician!  

For older babies between 9 months and 1 year old, their sense of object permanence is much stronger, it’s common for this age to have a heightened awareness of their carer and become even more upset about being separated from a parent or carer. This is when separation anxiety develops, and children may become agitated and upset when a parent tries to leave them.

How to help a baby with separation anxiety?

Once they become familiar with the new educator or carer the problems are usually minimised. It can also help to keep talking or singing to a baby if you change rooms briefly, if they can hear your voice the sense you have disappeared will be minimised. If your baby is finding it challenging when you leave them in their cot for nap time my online sleep programs can help with this. 

If your baby or toddler is only wanting one specific parent, be it mum or dad, my parental preference blog will work through what you can do to minimise this.

General separation anxiety is a normal part of childhood development  

As discussed, separation anxiety can start as early as 9 months and is a normal phenomenon for many children and toddlers. Within reason it’s a sign they are developing just as they should. It peaks for most infants between 9-18 months old, but can be ongoing after this age.

Most families at some point will experience separation anxiety to some degree with their child at a drop off or as they leave the house.  

Though separation anxiety is a perfectly normal part of your child’s development, it can be highly unsettling for both parent and child. Understanding what your child is going through and having a few ways to handle separation anxiety can help both of you get through it.

Tips that can help when you’re separating from your toddler:

TIP 1: Read the book The Invisible String 

• Storytelling is an incredible way to communicate with our toddlers – see here

TIP 2: Set up clear routines and rituals

• These can  work to reduce anxiety by letting your child know what they need to do each morning before being dropped off at daycare for example. 
• Routines can give your child a sense of ownership and control 
• They also serve as a reminder for basic needs to be met (i.e. having breakfast before going to kinder etc.).
• Routines can be presented visually on a calendar, or you can make a visual schedule together and make a fun activity out of it. 
• Like all things, be consistent with this and make sure you update the schedule and refer to it frequently.

Tip 3: Check your own self regulation 

• Are you getting anxious about the upcoming separation are you experiencing your own anxiety about leaving your baby or child?  For most working parent this is a very real and natural reaction  
• Or perhaps dreading the behaviour that’s going to occur as you drop your toddler off at child care? 
• In this moment it’s really important to acknowledge and then manage/contain your own emotions because nine times out of ten they rub off on our kids and can set them off on their own path of anxiety.

Tip 4: Don’t rush in the lead up to a separation

• This can cause your toddler to feel overwhelmed. 
• Try to arrive early when you are dropping your child off somewhere, it is often less busy (such as at child care) which can decrease the sensory input and make the process less overwhelming as a result. 

Tip 5: Give your toddler a special job 

• This can form part of the separation process
  • E.g. having a special job at grandma’s house when they arrive (and as you leave) which can redirect their attention to something productive.

Tip 6: Have a predictable separation routine 

• which could look like – entering daycare the same way each time, direct your child to say hello to their educator and give them a choice of two activities to engage in straight away. 
• Say goodbye to your child, give them a hug and leave.
• Encourage your child to bring/have a special item to show their educator or babysitter which can serve as a redirection after you leave

Tip 7: Don’t sneak off

• Always say goodbye to your child when you’re separating, don’t sneak out as this just fosters mistrust and perpetuates the problem of your child not feeling safe and secure. 
• ‘A stitch in time saves nine’ – dealing with the distress when you say goodbye is far easier than dealing with the bigger problems that can grow from sneaking out and not saying goodbye.
• Don’t drag out the goodbyes, keep it brief. 
• Give your child something special to keep in their bag that reminds them of the special people and things in their lives. This can increase their sense of security and could include a photo, keyring photo, or a small item they’ve made with a special person (such as the activities below)

Proactive activities to manage separation anxiety:

1. Make bracelets or strings with beads for both child and parent to have
2. Make a magic wand with your child and create a special “spell” for them to use that helps them keep calm when they’re experiencing separation anxiety
3. Draw a love heart on each other’s hand and have your child press the heart when they’re feeling anxious or missing you

Reactive strategies if it all turns out horribly:

1. Remember the STAR approach 

• If you’re not familiar with this it’s one of the core tools in the Toddler Toolkit parenting program
• Remember this is not a time to teach – it is about supporting your child’s emotions

2. Use positive and empathic language

• Co-regulate for your child if they have moved beyond being able to control their emotions

3. Focus on finding a new option together

 

Things you can say:

• “I know it’s tough when I drop you off at daycare, I can see you’re upset and don’t want me to leave. Let’s get your special toy out of your bag that you wanted to show your teacher. We can talk about this properly when I pick you up and we’ll find a way to help you feel better about going to daycare”

Things not to say:

• “Stop crying, you love daycare”

• “Grandma is getting upset that you don’t want to be at her house”

• “Don’t be upset, you’ll have fun”

• “No one else is crying”
• “Everyone is looking at you

When to seek help when separation anxiety persists:

If you’re having ongoing struggles with your child’s anxiety and separation anxiety, ensure you speak to the educators, carers, babysitters etc. about your challenges. 

This isn’t a reflection on you as a parent, and it doesn’t mean there is something ‘wrong’ with your child.

If you’ve worked closely with your child’s educators and carers and the basic interventions and tips aren’t improving things over a couple of months and you’re concerned about your child’s separation anxiety and think it’s developing into a more robust separation anxiety, talk to your child’s paediatrician or family doctor about next steps, a referral to a child psychologist may be helpful. Early intervention and strategies are key.

FAQs

Q1: Can school age children develop separation anxiety?

ANS: If you are moving to a new area to start school,  attending a school that kinder peers are not going to or have not attended a childcare or kinder environment in the lead up to school separation anxiety can be really common – there’s lots of information on school readiness and preparation in our Toddler Toolkit Parenting Program.

Q2: Do parents with separation anxiety babies have more trouble at daycare and kinder with toddlers?

ANS: Often these parents do lots of the early work up skilling themselves and their baby in the early days so they can often be the ones less impacted when it comes to childcare, kinder and school – there’s no hard and fast rule here, all children and parents are different.

BIO: Amanda Abel is a paediatric psychologist, mum, founder of the Northern Centre for Child Development (NCCD) and co-creator of the Toddler Toolkit alongside Dr Golly. Working directly and indirectly with hundreds of clients each year, Amanda’s mission is for every child to achieve their best outcomes by equipping families and educators with the tools they need to help kids thrive.  Amanda draws on her own experiences of being a parent along with her extensive training and well-honed skill set to get families thriving. She is Circle of Security Parenting® trained and is a registered SOS Feeding Therapist for children who are problem feeders. 

Find her on Instagram: @amanda.j.abel @toddlertoolkit 

The Toddler Toolkit is an online parenting course for 1-5 year olds helping parents navigate every toddler stage and challenge RRP $100