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If your toddler is behaving like a professional wrestler with the new baby – you’re not alone!
Having a new baby sibling is a novelty for a toddler, they might enjoy the fuss and commotion of their new baby brother or sister, but soon the novelty will fade and it’s incredibly common that your toddler will become increasingly difficult to manage. If you’ve found yourself asking: Why is my toddler not happy about my new baby? How to stop my toddler from being jealous of the baby? Are we the only ones with a crazed jealous toddler? You’ve come to the right place.
If you have recently welcomed a new baby into your family you might notice behavioural changes in your toddler like:
- Sleep disturbances
- Toileting regression
- Attention seeking behaviour (e.g. climbing over mum’s head when she’s trying to breastfeed!!)
- Seeking help for previously acquired skills like dressing and feeding
- Anger and aggressive behaviour (kicking, hitting, biting etc. often towards the baby).
Research (1) has confirmed what many parents witness when a NEW sibling arrives is challenging behaviour and problems with emotional regulation almost double and peak around 8 weeks after welcoming the new sibling..
Can I prepare my toddler in advance to minimise this behavioural deterioration?
If you’re currently pregnant with your second or third baby and prepping for their arrival I highly recommend my New Sibling Supplement that complements my Sleep Programs and my Toddler Toolkit. There are so many things we can do to help prepare a toddler before the arrival of their new sibling. Beyond preparing our toddlers if you’re right in the thick of it there’s still a lot we can do to help minimise this behavioural deterioration.
In this blog we’ll look at some ideas around making your toddler your STAR assistant; general advice when you do witness challenging behaviour; and most importantly making sure we don’t ‘blame the baby’ – which is often easier said than done!
Avoid jealousy, boredom and build confidence by giving your toddler a starring role in assisting you in the care of their new baby sibling.
How to Help Your Child Adjust to the Arrival of a New Sibling
TIP 1: Give them their own NAPPY BOX
- This is a simple box with nappies, wipes, nappy cream and maybe a spare outfit (it’s a lovely activity to decorate together)
- If you’re changing a nappy away from the change table, get your toddler to bring their “nappy box” to you to help out
- This will give your toddler a great sense of purpose but can also be incredibly handy when you just need some nappies/wipes on the go!
TIP 2: Allow them to pick daily outfits
- Have a drawer with appropriate onesies/outfits ready to go (I’m a massive fan of zips and in-built mittens and booties for a newborn baby)
- Each evening let the older sibling select what the baby will wear after the bath
TIP 3: Celebrate their involvement with others
- When visitors admire the newborn, ensure to mention aloud that the older sibling helped apply the nappy or chose their outfit
- A visitor’s compliment directed to the newborn will then be felt by the sibling.
TIP 4: Give older siblings age appropriate tasks
- This will give them purpose and ensure they feel proud that they are helping you
- The key is these tasks need to be appropriate for their skill set and not arduous chores that they’ll associate negatively with the baby – perhaps tasks like entertaining the baby while you do the nappy changes, “reading” to the baby, or being your “gopher” whilst feeding
- Give them a duster or a rag and a spray bottle with water, or if old enough let them sort the laundry into piles for each family member or help unload the dishwasher.
See my Toddler Toolkit parenting program for other practical tips to avoid toddler jealousy when the new baby arrives
It covers everything from toilet training, fussy eating, tantrums, separation anxiety, teeth cleaning …and everything in between.
Don’t blame the baby… it’s easier said than done
Although the beautiful NEW baby sibling is most likely the cause of many of your toddler’s frustrations, it is essential that your toddler doesn’t see it that way.
Toddler thinking is very black-and-white/cause-and-effect, so as an older child if they keep hearing responses from you to the effect of “no I can’t give you attention because the new baby needs me”… it’s pretty obvious what is going to follow.
Your toddler will make a connection between feeling alone because of the baby, and this can lead to jealousy and difficult behaviours.
Try to focus on what you CAN do, instead of what you CAN’T do.
One-on-one time can be hard to find time for, but if you shift your mind set and the way you frame things it can be a little easier.
Example:
Instead of: “I can’t play with you right now, I need to feed the baby”
Try: “How about you get the blocks out and start setting them up so that once I’m finished here I can come and play with you?” (even if you just play for a minute or two in between feeding and putting the baby to bed, this shifts the focus.)
Acknowledge and empathise with your toddler
Core to the Toddler Toolkit’s philosophy is acknowledging your child’s feelings without telling them what they “should” be feeling.
Example:
Instead of: “Stop being jealous of the baby, you should feel happy that we gave you a little brother”.
Try: “It’s normal to feel jealous of your new baby sister, but try to remember that our love grows with each new child so by making room for your sister, you don’t get any less love from us”
Using stories and books to address sibling jealousy and include your Toddler
The two kids books I’ve written are designed to do exactly this – they are designed for a big brother or sister to read with parents as they prepare or as they welcome a new baby sibling and include them in the daily process of feeding and caring. Our toddlers are often incredible at working out what the baby needs or what they are trying to say – having your toddler help you work this out is incredibly empowering for them… but is eye opening for us as parents too!
How long does it take for a toddler to adjust to having a newborn around?
There’s unfortunately no straight answer for this – my mother would still say she’s managing this with my older brothers!! Research suggests that this behavioural deterioration peaks around 8 weeks of age. Depending on what else is happening in your toddlers life there may be moments when it amplifies again for a few weeks. Remember it’s a totally normal and common reaction to be jealous of a younger sibling sucking up your parents attention… but with the right strategies and interventions as parents you can help your toddler adjust and encourage healthy sibships in the long term.
When to Seek Help for Persistent Toddler Jealousy
I created the Toddler Toolkit with Paediatric Psychologist Amanda Abel because we were both very conscious of the amount of presentations we were having in our practices for very developmentally normal toddler behaviour that can be dealt with using a range of parenting and behavioural strategies. If you’ve worked your way through the Toddler Toolkit and the new sibling supplement (or similar) and you feel like all the strategies you’ve implemented aren’t helping with your toddler’s overall behaviour, then it might be time to see a professional. Trust your parental instincts here and work closely with your family doctor or paediatrician if a referral is required in order to see a child psychologist.
Amanda Abel is a paediatric psychologist, mum, founder of the Northern Centre for Child Development (NCCD) and co-creator of the Toddler Toolkit alongside Dr Golly. Working directly and indirectly with hundreds of clients each year, Amanda’s mission is for every child to achieve their best outcomes by equipping families and educators with the tools they need to help kids thrive. Amanda draws on her own experiences of being a parent along with her extensive training and well-honed skill set to get families thriving. She is Circle of Security Parenting® trained and is a registered SOS Feeding Therapist for children who are problem feeders.
Find her on Instagram: @amanda.j.abel @toddlertoolkit
The Toddler Toolkit is an online parenting course for 1-5 year olds helping parents navigate every toddler stage and challenge RRP $100
