Toddler only wants Mom (or Dad) – What to Do

Updated on 1 September 2024.

Parental preference is challenging for both the preferred and non preferred parent.

Do kids play favourites? 

The phenomenon of parental preference is incredibly common and it can be extremely challenging for both the preferred and non-preferred parent. 

Parental preference is when a baby or child prefers or clings to one parent and will only allow that parent to meet whatever need they have be it bedtime, comfort, play, …and they are not subtle about it, they reject the other parent and will cry, throw tantrums or refuse to complete the given task without the preferred parent.

If this sounds like your family, just remember it’s completely normal.  In this blog we’ll talk through what drives this strong preference behaviour in our babies and toddlers and some simple strategies you can implement at home to help mediate it.  

Why does my toddler prefer mum over dad, and vice versa?   

Newborns form a bond with their primary attachment figure. This can be influenced by the primary caregiver’s role, especially if one parent spends more time with the child …and in the setting of a breastfeeding mother this is amplified. 

As your baby grows, routine and consistency play a role. Toddlers tend to prefer the parent who is:

1. MORE INVOLVED: in their daily routines, providing them with a sense of security and stability..or conversely toddlers prefer the parent who is 
2. LESS INVOLVED: the fun parent who hasn’t had to do 15 loads of washing, cooking, cleaning, feeding sleep routines ALL.DAY.LONG – they may be fresh and fun when they get home  

Temperament and personality are also important factors. Like in any relationship, sometimes a child’s temperament just aligns more with one parent.

Parenting style can also have a big impact.  A child might gravitate towards the parents’ style that resonates with their current needs: 

• Example 1: seeking out the parent who has a more ‘nurturing’ style in moments of upset; or 
• Example 2: conversely seeking out the ‘fun’ parent when feeling excited. 

They are also pretty wily…they know which parent is more likely to hold the boundary and who will cave – we’ll talk more about the importance of this as co-parents below.

At what age is parental preference most common?

It can happen at any age but most parents will first report it when their child’s awareness is linked to separation anxiety, typically this is around 9-18 months, 

Parents are often shocked by their easy going baby, who previously went to anyone, who is now clinging  to the parent they see as their primary source of comfort and security. Crying when that parent leaves the room or hands them to someone else.  

Is it always the same parent that a toddler prefers?

It’s not always the same parent – it can absolutely change. As kids mature, their “favorite parent” changes as they go through phases in their attachment development. 

Infants often prefer the primary caregiver, usually the mother, especially if breastfeeding. This preference is linked to basic needs and comfort. 

However, during toddlerhood preferences can switch as the child explores their independence and we might see a preference for a parent who is more playful or the one with clear boundaries (depending on what the child favours). 

If a new sibling arrives and mum is busy breastfeeding the newborn, it may be the non breastfeeding parent who does the heavy lifting with the toddler and the dynamics shift in their favour. Conversely, this can also be a heightened period of jealousy of mum… see our content on cross parenting.

During the preschool years we can see frequent shifts in preference, and this tends to be based on who they spend more time with, or who engages in enjoyable activities with them.  

Similarly, during the school aged years, the parent who helps with homework, school or sport activities might become ‘preferred’.

Is it normal for toddlers to only want one parent? Should we be concerned?

In some respects having a preferred carer is great and shows age appropriate development – there’s an adaptive reason behind the selective nature of parental preference, we don’t want our children to accept ‘care’ from just anyone. 

So clinically it is not a problem. It’s a completely normal part of toddler development. 

…But it can be highly challenging for many families to manage at a practical level…

Challenges for the preferred parent:

• Often they can never get a break 
• They can have trouble leaving the house or a room and
• They are ‘always on duty’ for bedtime, bathtime, nappy time, meal time…all-the-time.  
• They can resent the parent that doesn’t have to do all the work

Challenges for the ‘non-preferred’ parent, 

• They can struggle emotionally.
• They can feel rejected and useless 
• They can feel like they can’t support their child or their partner 
• They can resent the chosen parent 

What I find most is it challenges the parents’ relationship – both partners feeling hard done by.

How do we stop our kids playing favourites with us?

If you have entered a phase as the ‘non-preferred’ parent it can be helpful to remind yourself that it is a normal part of healthy development. While Toddler favoritism is completely normal it can become really problematic for parents if the situation is not viewed objectively, communication as a couple is key here.

Rather than actively discouraging it, it is more helpful for the ‘preferred parent’ to gently encourage the child into interactions with the ‘non-preferred’ parent so that balanced relationships can develop and be maintained. 

General family and parenting tips:

TIP 1: Quality time with both parents

• As much as possible, create routines and rituals where both parents can spend quality time with the child and share caregiving responsibilities. 
• This can be really tricky when one parent is absent a lot for work or travel but you do what you can here, it might mean the working parent does the morning breakfast routine, or walks to kinder, wherever you can create time where you can just “do things” with your child

TIP 2: Align on parenting styles and family boundaries

• Like all things in a relationship and as co-parents, talking openly and honestly is absolutely key.
• Whether you’re the preferred or the non-preferred parent the advice needs to start with you as a united team. 
• You’ll see this is the core recommendation in the Toddler Toolkit – aligning on your parenting style and household rules/ boundaries so both parents send a consistent message to a child is paramount
• Our kids LOVE CONSISTENCY, it’s up to parents to create this, together
• If you don’t agree on something work through this together and always give your children a consistent message 
• If something pops up you haven’t discussed as parents – one of the most powerful lines you can use as a couple to your kids is “I’m not sure, let me talk to [insert mum or dad] about that and I’ll get back to you”.
• By aligning as a couple you’ll be amazed at how much more you enjoy parenting …and your relationship!

TIP 3:  Routines, rituals and rhythms 

• If a child has solid foundations around their day be it mealtimes, getting dressed, washing hands, packing up, bath time, teeth cleaning, bedtime (all the things we know kids can struggle with) this will make them less reliant on one parent or carer – it will be the rituals you follow as a family rather than the instructions of one parent 
• Rituals and routines can also mean there are consistent things you do as a whole family, somethings you do regularly with one parent and some things you do with the other 
• If one parent works full time and the other is the primary carer this may mean morning and breakfast rituals or evening baths if you travel a lot during the week it might mean saturday morning swimming and a baby chino after, or gardening on a saturday afternoon together – rituals don’t have to be expensive and hard work they just need to be consistent 

Tips for the rejected parent:

TIP 1: Don’t take it personally

• While it can be hard – the first step is to remind yourself not to take it personally, that way your emotions or hurt feelings won’t get in the way of responding to your toddler. 
• We talk about this a lot in the Toddler Toolkit – acknowledging (and parking) your own emotional response is always essential before responding to your child’s emotions or behaviour. 
• Your baby or toddler loves you 

TIP 2: Start to build a bank of “fun” experiences

• Don’t start with the hard stuff, start with fun things they love like the playground or the zoo
• Work hard to create genuinely engaging time together

TIP 3: Create rituals together

• As discussed above these can be incredibly powerful, if you’re too late home from work to do bath time it might be a story before bed or making coffee together in the morning and bringing it to mum
• If you’re not regularly home (often a challenge for families with a parent who doesn’t work locally) you can create lovely domestic rituals when you are home like cooking, gardening or shopping together – these will help with collective family load and give you quality time together.
• Each weekend might have something you always do together 1:1 

Tips for the preferred parent:

TIP 1: Never use your position as preferred parent as a way to be-little your partner 

• Chances are the rejected parent feels pretty dreadful, work together not against each other 
• Talk openly and honestly about both your parenting styles, what’s working and what’s not 

TIP 2: Planned periods of time away 

• Be proactive and have planned periods of time where you as the preferred parent are absent and the other parent takes over. 
• To provide opportunities for this, without the stress of actually ‘going out’ to an event you can even just go for a walk around the block or pop into the supermarket.

Bedtime is a big one – what do you do if a child will only go to sleep with the preferred parent?

To encourage the bedtime routine with the ‘non-preferred parent’ (so that #1 parent can have a break sometimes!), start with small, positive interactions during the day, as well as at bedtime. 

Example: the preferred parent can begin the bedtime routine, and the ‘non-preferred parent’ can join for a part of it, such as reading bedtime stories or saying goodnight.

Making bedtime more fun with the ‘non-preferred parent’ can help, and this can involve incorporating special activities, like reading a favourite book, singing a lullaby, or talking about the day’s highlights.

Shifting the way we approach the feeling of being ‘rejected’ is a really powerful tool.

Take bedtime as the example:

INSTEAD OF THIS:

“Stop crying, I already told you Mum can’t do bedtime tonight. Why don’t you like it when I do it?”

TRY THIS: 

“I know you want mum to put you to bed because you really enjoy that time with her. I’m doing bedtime tonight, but how about we use mum’s dressing gown as an extra blanket for you so it feels a bit more like she’s here?! Would I look funny if I wore mum’s dressing gown?!” 

…Adding some humour can help redirect your child, but make sure you’ve acknowledged their feelings first so you’re not simply trying to get them to ‘snap out’ of their emotional experience.

Can babies have favourites?

As we discussed above infants often prefer the primary caregiver, usually the mother, especially if breastfeeding. This preference is linked to basic needs and comfort. 

If you’re the non breastfeeding parent and the baby doesn’t settle as easily with you what can you do?

TIP 1: You can do everything but breastfeed!

• As much as possible get involved in your baby or newborns care, not just during witching hours and evening feeds. 
• I know this isn’t always possible due to work commitments, but getting more involved with play or tummy time, changing nappies, burping, settling, bathing is essential – do whatever you can within the restraints you have.

TIP 2: Skin to skin contact

• Skin to skin contact is incredibly powerful. When you’re breastfeeding it can be harder or less natural to recreate but there are great ways to work it into your routine.
• Non breastfeeding partners can take over bath time – hold your baby in the bath, talk, sing …or even better if you have a big bath run that and hope in with them.

TIP 3: Babies drink more than milk 

• This one is core to my philosophy – babies are incredibly astute (they are like animals). If you’re worried, stressed, anxious, nervous when you hold a baby, they will pick up on this.
• When you hold your baby consciously relax your shoulders, take deep calm breaths, wriggle your bum …if you’re not calm there’s every chance your baby won’t be either 
• “But what if I am nervous and stressed with a screaming baby?” …fake it until you make it! Summon up every bit of chill you can muster …every fibre of your body needs to be as cool and calm as humanly possible.

TIP 4: Have times when the breastfeeding mother is away 

• Sometimes it can be helpful if the breastfeeding mother leaves the room (has a long shower or bath) or even the house for period of time so the baby can’t smell mum …they have a 6th sense about a breastfeeding mothers’ presence. 

How long does parental preference last?

This one is completely dependent on you, your family dynamics and any constraints you might have working towards a transition period of equilibrium.  Just keep working on all the little steps and as parents do it as a team – together.

BIO: Amanda Abel is a paediatric psychologist, mum, founder of the Northern Centre for Child Development (NCCD) and co-creator of the Toddler Toolkit alongside Dr Golly. Working directly and indirectly with hundreds of clients each year, Amanda’s mission is for every child to achieve their best outcomes by equipping families and educators with the tools they need to help kids thrive.  Amanda draws on her own experiences of being a parent along with her extensive training and well-honed skill set to get families thriving. She is Circle of Security Parenting® trained and is a registered SOS Feeding Therapist for children who are problem feeders. 

Find her on Instagram: @amandaabel @toddlertoolkit 

The Toddler Toolkit is an online parenting course for 1-5 year olds helping parents navigate every toddler stage and challenge RRP $100