The Pre-Baby Couple Planning Meeting

Conversations Dr Golly recommends every couple should have before the baby arrives

Most parents spend months preparing for their baby. They research prams, design nurseries, pack hospital bags; buy all the essentials and have intricate birth plans. But very few spend time preparing for how they'll work together once the baby arrives.

One of the strongest predictors of how families navigate the newborn period isn't the baby's temperament, feeding method or sleep patterns - it's parental alignment. Not agreeing on everything, but having conversations about the things that matter before you're sleep deprived, emotional and negotiating life at 3am.

I recommend setting aside an afternoon, make a coffee and work through the topics in this blog together….you’ll probably find every 6 months or so as dynamics change you’ll have a reset and see where everyone is at. It’s not sexy but I guarantee it’ll be one of the best things you do for your relationship and growing family.

Topic 1: Let's talk mental health

We spend a lot of time discussing nappies, feeding and sleeping before birth. We should spend just as much time discussing mental wellbeing.

Discuss:

• Have either of us struggled with anxiety, depression or burnout previously?

• What are our warning signs when we're overwhelmed?

• How do we usually ask for help?

• Who can we lean on if things become difficult?

• What professional supports are available if needed?

Creating a plan before challenges arise can make all the difference. If you have previously had mental health problems you’re at a much higher risk of suffering from post natal anxiety or depression. In this scenario I always recommend talking to your health care providers and partner about having a mental health plan ready to go before the baby arrives. 1 in 5 mums and 1 in 10 dads are estimated to suffer from some form of perinatal mental health disorder - in practice I think this number is higher. Talking openly honestly about this early on can make the world of difference.

Topic 2. Who does what in the house?

One of the biggest sources of resentment in early parenthood isn't the workload itself, it's unclear expectations.

There’s a long to do list and it gets longer when the baby arrived, I recommend working your way through this list together and identifying who is responsible or the general split; it sounds completely tedious but you’ll be surprised at how 

• Cooking

• Grocery shopping

• Cleaning

• Unpacking and packing the dishwasher 

• Washing 

• Bedmaking, sheet changing

• Folding and packing away washing

• Taking the rubbish and recycling out 

• Bills, credit cards and finances

• Family administration e.g. health insurance, ambulance cover  

• House admin: electricity, gas, internet

• Baby admin: birth certificates, passports, bank accounts  

• Medical appointments

• Travel planning and booking

• Pet care

• Gift buying

• Lawnmowing

• Gardening and weeding 

And then there’s the very specific baby tasks:

• Nappies

• Bathing

• Breastfeeding 

• Bottle feeding 

• Bottle & pump cleaning (sterilising) 

• Burping

• Tummy time 

• Nighttime settling and resettling 

• Introducing solids and allergens 

• Baby shopping 

I always like to remind parents the only item in these long lists that a non breastfeeding partner can’t do is breastfeed. Every family, couple and culture is different but In the early days, particularly the first 6 weeks as a monther recovers from birth and establishes breastfeeding my philosophy is to take as many of these tasks as humanly possible off her list. 

As time goes on the goal isn't a perfect fifty-fifty split, the goal is clarity.

Topic 3. Who Carries the Mental Load?

The mental load isn't doing the task, tt's remembering the task exists.

Discuss who will manage:

• Immunisations

• Child health nurse visits

• Daycare research

• Buying nappies before they run out

• Family calendars

• Family events 

• Knowing clothing and shoe sizes 

• Meal planning

• Medical supplies 

• Scripts 

• Play dates 

• Remembering birthdays

• Packing baby bags

• School and childcare administration

• Birthday parties 

• Calendar management

• Research on child health and development

Invisible work often becomes the biggest source of frustration. Having these conversations early helps avoid unnecessary resentment later.

Topic 4. What Happens Overnight?

Night-time is where many couples feel the pressure most. The most important rules are: 

1. don't negotiate important decisions at 3am

2. Don’t negotiate when there is a crying baby 

Discuss:

• Who responds overnight?

• What happens if feeding is challenging?

• How will both parents get opportunities for rest?

• What happens if one of us becomes overwhelmed?

Create a plan during daylight hours and adjust it as needed. This one might change day to day and week to week depending on a million different factors - talk openly and honestly.

Topic 5. Who Is in Our Village?

Parenting was never designed to happen in isolation.

Discuss:

• Who can help practically?

• Who can help emotionally?

• What support are we comfortable accepting?

• What services can we afford that could make life easier?

Support might include:

• Family

• Friends

• Meal preparation

• Cleaning services

• Babysitters

• Lactation consultants

• Parent groups

• Mental health professionals

Support isn't weakness, it's preparation.

Topic 6: How will we protect our relationship?

Babies require attention; relationships require intention.

Discuss:

• How do we each feel supported?

• How do we prefer to receive appreciation?

• How will we check in with each other?

• How will we repair after disagreements?

• What helps us feel connected?

Remember you're partners first and parents second. The strongest parenting teams continue investing in their relationship.

Topic 7. What if things don't go to plan?

Because they won't always.

Discuss:

• What if feeding doesn't go as expected?

• What if sleep is harder than we imagined?

• What if birth doesn't go to plan?

• What if one of us struggles emotionally?

Flexibility is one of the most valuable parenting skills you'll ever develop.

Topic 8: What type of parents do we want to be?

Our parenting style is primarily framed by two factors: 

1. Our values 

2. How we were parented

Remember, our values are subjective; they’re not consciously chosen, but typically shaped by deep beliefs we adopted from our parents (though these may change over time). They reflect what we think is important, both for ourselves and for others around us. Prior to a child’s arrival, talk openly with your partner about the type of parents you want to become and what your parental values are.

Take some time to talk through: 

• What about your childhood do you want to replicate? 

• What about your own upbringing would you like to avoid in your own parenting?  

• Identify areas where you differ with your partner and try to find a middle ground. Parental alignment and consistency from caregivers is what children yearn for. 

Remember that different parenting styles needn’t be a source of stress for parents, but rather an opportunity to learn from one another and bolster your parenting skills.

Get the practical things sorted early

Most parents spend months planning the nursery and very little time planning parenthood.

My advice? Do both.

Get the practical things sorted early so you can focus on the conversations that truly shape family life labour division, mental health, support systems and how you'll navigate the newborn months and parenting together.

That's exactly why we've partnered with Il Tutto. They can help take care of creating a comfortable, functional nursery space while you focus on preparing for life after baby arrives.

Use code DRGOLLYVIP20 for 20% off full-priced items at Il Tutto until 1 January 2027. Terms and conditions apply.

These conversations never stop and they keep evolving 

These are incredible conversations to have before the babies arrives and you’ll find as your family grows and as dynamics and jobs change they will keep evolving. There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship but doing this practical work will go a long way to helping you along the journey of life together.

Babies don't need perfect parents, but parents definitely do need each other.