Dr Golly paediatrician reminds parents that a calm parent is the key ingredient to a calm baby.
"If the room feels calm to you, it feels calm to your baby."
Overwhelmed child? Never forget: your calm is their calm.
As parents, we often focus on what we're doing to settle our baby; the rocking, the feeding, the dummy, the white noise. But one of the most powerful tools you have is something you already carry with you: your own nervous system.
Babies Borrow Our Calm
Babies are incredible communicators. They may not use words, but they are constantly reading the people around them. They notice your body language, your breathing, your tone of voice and your emotional state.
My phrase "babies drink more than milk" means that infants deeply absorb and react to parental emotions. Babies are phenomenally sensitive; just as an animal can sense fear, so can a baby sense anxiety or worry. But in exceptionally good news they also absorb your warmth, your love, your connectedness.
As I've often said, babies borrow our nervous system.
If we're tense, they feel it.
If we're steady, they settle into it.
If you're not calm and relaxed yourself, it can be incredibly difficult to calm someone else.
What this means in practice (a negative feedback loop) :
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Emotional absorption: Babies sense anxiety, frustration, and worry in caregivers.
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Feedback loops: If a parent is tense or cranky during a feed, car trip, or bedtime, the baby often becomes more unsettled.
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Behavioral impact: This emotional cueing can lead to challenges like bottle refusal, crying, or trouble settling.
This isn't about making parents feel guilty. Quite the opposite. It's about recognising that sometimes the most effective settling technique isn't another technique at all. It's your own regulation.
How to apply this theory in practice:
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Stay calm: Approach stressful moments; like a screaming baby in a public space or introducing a bottle; with steady, positive energy. Consciously relax your shoulders, take a big breath and wriggle your bum… you staying calm is the BEST thing you can do for your baby
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Fake it until you make it: Even if you feel anxious, acting relaxed helps your baby feel secure enough to settle or feed.
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Share the load: If you are feeling overwhelmed, letting a calmer partner step in can help soothe an unsettled baby.
The Pause That Helps Everyone
When your baby is crying and nothing seems to be working, ask yourself:
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How am I feeling right now? Am I clammy, red, heart racing, flustered
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Have I been trying to settle them for 20 minutes?
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Am I holding my breath?
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Are my shoulders up around my ears?
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Is my jaw clenched?
If the answer is yes, take a moment. If your baby is safe, it's okay to put them down for five minutes and reset yourself.
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Take a few slow breaths. Try and slow your heart beat.
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Have a drink of water.
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Step outside for some fresh air.
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Splash some water on your face.
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Consciously relax your shoulders and wriggle your bum.
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As you take your next breath in remind yourself there is no better parent for this baby but you.
Sometimes we become so focused on calming our baby that we forget to calm ourselves first.
Why environment matters
The environment around us plays a huge role in regulation, emerging research has discovered this can be even more important for mothers.
Things to focus on to keep an environment calm:
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Soft lighting.
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A comfortable chair.
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A quiet room.
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Calm music
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Clean and tidy space
These things don't just benefit babies - they benefit parents too.
If the room feels calm to you, it feels calm to your baby.
That's why creating a nurturing nursery isn't simply about aesthetics. It's about creating a space that helps everyone regulate.
When you're comfortable, supported and relaxed, it's easier to slow your breathing, soften your voice and respond calmly during those long feeds, contact naps and middle-of-the-night wake-ups.
When in doubt have a glass of water and go for a walk outside
Rain, hail or shine I cannot tell you the power fresh air and a glass of water can have on nearly every situation.
Pop your baby in the pram or carrier, down a big glass of water or take your drink bottle with you.
The fresh air will do you both wonders, even just 10 minutes can be the reset everyone needed.
Rainy days can be the ones we’re less inclined to go outside - but they are often the days we most need some fresh air. Pram rain cover, rain jacket and gumboots are all you need.
The best medicine is always a calm parent
Parents often ask me what the secret is to settling an overwhelmed baby, the answer is surprisingly simple:
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Slow your breathing
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Soften your voice
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Offer connection
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Give a cuddle.
Because there is no better medicine for an overwhelmed child than a cuddle from a calm parent.
Your baby doesn't need perfection, they need you and when you bring calm into the room, your baby feels it too. Because regulation starts with you.
Your calm is their calm.
As a little bonus, you can use code DRGOLLYVIP20 for 20% off full-priced items at Il Tutto. Valid until 1 January 2027. Terms and conditions apply.
